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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760991">Words Disappear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unknown_diva/pseuds/Unknown_diva'>Unknown_diva</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek &amp; Paul/Levenson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Poor Evan, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:32:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unknown_diva/pseuds/Unknown_diva</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Evan messed things up, maybe it would be better if he'd just..disappear? Takes place during/after 'Words Fail'</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Anybody Have a Map?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger Warnings: Suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, anxiety.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“How could you?” Cynthia glared holes into Evan’s tear-tracked face before Evan felt himself falling to the floor. <br/>Evan held his pulsing red cheek and watched Mrs.Murphy’s flats stomp out the room, her tears leaving a trail.  </p>
<p>Evan’s hiccups only increased when he saw Larry’s squeaky brown shoes shove themselves into his vision. Despite the pulsing in his head that was telling him to look up at the man, Evan couldn’t. He couldn’t be faced with the same deep hatred and disappointment he had seen shining in his own father’s eyes a few years prior. Not in the man he had come to love and admire in such short time. A man that had made him feel like he was worth something. A man that was teaching him to see that his father was wrong, Evan wasn’t a failure, he meant something to someone he belonged somewhere. But when Evan’s shirt was grabbed in Larry’s harsh grip and was dragged out the door with nothing more than a snarl that said ‘And don’t come back’, he knew he had messed up. He messed everything up, like he always did. </p>
<p>It was Evan’s luck that it was absolutely pouring outside and he wore nothing other than his thin gray sweater and an old T-shirt underneath. Evan tried to get control of his breathing as he dragged himself down the driveway before a tingling on his shoulder gave him the need to turn around. </p>
<p>Zoe’s sobbing paused dramatically when she noticed Evan Hansen staring at her through the front window. She couldn’t even focus on how hard the boy was trembling when an intense wave of anger rocked her body and had her slamming the blinds closed, not before mouthing ‘asshole’ and glaring hard at the boy. </p>
<p>Evan’s breath got caught in his throat when Zoe closed the blinds. </p>
<p>Slam on the break</p>
<p>Why didn’t he just</p>
<p>Before I even turn the key</p>
<p>It all would have been fine if he’d just</p>
<p>Before I make the mistake</p>
<p>And now he’d fucked it up...again.</p>
<p>Before I lead with the worst of me</p>
<p>The words swam in Evan’s head, drowning him. Hands. Hands were choking him. His feet started running, trying to fight off the hands that were choking him and the words that were drowning him. He was pathetic. He messed things up with Jared, Alana, his mom, and now the Murphys. God, he couldn’t even kill himself right. All he wanted to do was help. Help the Murphy’s. Thats all he wanted to do. But now they rather him just disappear. Maybe that would just help everyone. If he’d just disappear. </p>
<p>Evan didn’t even notice when he flew past his mom in a rush to get upstairs. He barged blindly up the steps and only opened his eyes when he was in the bathroom. His body was still trembling, and his hands shook wildly as he ran his hands through his hair. Zoe’s face burned into his eyes like a hot poker and made his body physically shrivel up. His thin knees dug into his chest and his nails implanted themselves into his soaked jeans. His body was fighting it’s own internal battle and it was all he could do to just breathe. He closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to focus, but it only made his skin crawl and more tears to come leaking out. When had he started crying? Evan barely noticed as his body let out a loud scream of grief. </p>
<p>In one move Evan was reaching for the medicine cabinet. He didn’t even notice the pounding on the door as he grabbed a random bottle of pills and pried the top open. His body was no longer his own as he swallowed the whole bottle of pills and started reaching for more. It was when he was opening up a third bottle his mom had finally found the keys and came bursting in the room. </p>
<p>Heidi screamed at the scene and grabbed her son in one fluid motion. The third pill bottom went crashing to the floor, sending little pills flying everywhere. A pale, sobbing Evan went diving to the floor after them. He could barely coordinate his movements as his mom struggled to pull him up. Evan’s trembling hands reached under the sink for the lingering pills and Heidi couldn’t stop crying as she smacked them out her son’s hands. </p>
<p>“Evan stop! Stop!” She screamed. </p>
<p>Heidi had finally grabbed Evan as his movements became slower and his body grew heavy. His eyes were bloodshot and still leaking tears as they sagged, while he chewed on his lip. Heidi grabbed his shaking wrists in one hand and pulled Evan against her chest with the other. It was then she noticed his sluggish movements. </p>
<p>“How many did you take?” She forced his eyes to looking into her searching and devastated ones. </p>
<p>“Two,” Evan mumbled, eyes falling shut. </p>
<p>“Two pills?” Heidi asked, feeling the tiniest bit relieved. </p>
<p>“Bottles,” Evan hiccuped. </p>
<p>Heidi’s eyes widened and she started thumping on his stomach. Evan started to whimper. </p>
<p>“No mom, no,” he cried, weakly trying to fight off her arms. He just wanted to disappear. </p>
<p>“Please, Evan, please,” Heidi sobbed desperately. </p>
<p>After what felt like years, a pile of pills and vomit came spilling onto the floor. Evan, who was now quietly crying, went limp in his mother’s arms. Heidi didn’t stop for a breath as she picked up her son bridal style and carried him downstairs. She laid her comatose son on the couch as she dialed for 9-1-1. </p>
<p>Heidi stared at her baby boy. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face seemed more sunken than ever. Despite his body being asleep he still trembled viciously and it was only then she noticed her son was soaked to the bone. Heidi was ashamed to admit this was the first time she had actually taken time to see her son in about a week. She knew she’d come up short despite her efforts, but she never knew it would be this bad. Evan’s breaths were slow as she covered him with a blanket, just as the EMTs came bursting through the door. </p>
<p>Heidi tried not to break down as they drove her dying son away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Waving Through A Window</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Angst but the start of more angst.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan had no visitors, besides his mom of course. But eventually, she too had to go to work. </p>
<p>The hospital originally wanted to keep him for 72 hours, but after two different attempts at taking his own life while using the bathroom, they kept him for a week and a half. </p>
<p>The day Evan left the hospital, the sky was crying, just like his mother. Despite her voice being clogged by tears, she rambled nonstop about how much she missed him. Evan tuned her out. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wished he could not think. That he could not breathe. </p>
<p>He didn’t want to live in a world where everyone knew he was just some broken parts. His mother could pretend, but he knew she could see the mess he was. </p>
<p>Evan spent the car ride staring at his shaking hands. They wouldn’t stop moving, fidgeting- a reminder of the constant anxiety he now has racking his body. Since that night, his anxiety has kept him on edge 24/7 without rest. He has barely slept or eaten because his brain has been on constant-panic mode. He can’t speak, he can’t focus, he can’t breathe. He has never felt this bad in his 17 years of life and now he is all alone. </p>
<p>There is no Zoes, no Murphys, no Alana, no Jared- he is all alone. </p>
<p>No sooner than the car is parked, Evan runs up to his room. He freezes when he notices the locks on the bathroom and his bedroom are gone but he is too tired to say anything about it. Crashing on his bed, he stares up at the ceiling. </p>
<p>A month ago, he had a girlfriend, a family, and two best friends. His life was good. How did one action turn everything to shit? Maybe some people do deserve to disappear, but that’d be too easy right?<br/>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<p>The next day, he was forced to go to school due to all the days he’s missed. He woke up to find his mom’s note telling him she had to leave early but would be back for dinner. He knew she was only trying to spend more time with him out of guilt. </p>
<p>He stared at the kitchen, trying to force himself to eat something, but the nausea forced him to walk away. He got dressed in a gray hoody and faded jeans- the same outfit he’s been wearing for a week now. He couldn’t be bothered to do his hair but ran a finger through it as he slid on his New Balances. </p>
<p>The tiny piece of hope left in the bottom of his soul told him to wait for Jared to come pick him up, but after a half hour of staring at an empty street, he started on the 40 minute walk to school. </p>
<p>He wondered if the Murphys told anyone. He wondered if Zoe would speak to him, but he didn’t know if he could look her in the eye. </p>
<p>He arrived at school with a few minutes to spare, so he decided to go to his locker. He could see the stares directed at him, and he hoped it was just because he was missing for a week and not because…</p>
<p>Before he could even reach in to grab his books he was being shoved up against the wall of lockers with a forearm pushing on his chest. The eyes of his angry best friend looked back at him. </p>
<p>“You’re such an asshole,” Jared grumbled. </p>
<p>Evan stared back, holding back tears. “Sorry,” he’s been saying that a lot lately. </p>
<p>“No, you don’t get to be sorry. All we tried to do is help you and you spit in our faces!”</p>
<p>Evan whispered out another “Sorry” as a tear trickled down his cheek. </p>
<p>Jared stared at the tear for a second, his face relaxing slightly. He stared heatedly another minute at Evan before huffing and walking off. </p>
<p>Evan straightened his shirt and wiped his face as the people watching pretended to go back to their business. Already this day was starting out horribly. He wished he could just move away to another country and start a new life- no lies, no girlfriends, no friends. But he had a feeling he’d find a way to mess that new life up too. </p>
<p>The bell rang and Evan shuffled to class, trying to blend in and keep his head low. French and Math class were uneventful, except for the glares Jared sent his way periodically. When the bell rang for lunch, Evan was finally able to take a small breath. </p>
<p>Entering the lunch room was a shock for his system who had been surrounded by quiet doctors and nurses all week. Kids were yelling and gossiping and munching and laughing and talking and pointing…</p>
<p>Evan’s hands shook as he carried his lunch tray to the only empty table in the corner of the lunch room. The rickety table shifted as he sat and the garbage can directly next to him made his nausea even worse, but it was still better than attempting to sit with Jared and his science friends. </p>
<p>He looked down at his food and it only took a moment for his stomach to flip. Immediately, he threw his moldy looking sandwich in the trash and stood up to grab an apple. Halfway across the lunch room he could feel eyes on his back. He turned and his eyes immediately connected with Zoe Murphy’s. Her face was painted in a scowl and her clenched fists showed her steadily increasing anger and she glared holes into him. Almost physically feeling the heat coming from her gaze, Evan broke contact and hurried his pace to the fruit station. Just as he reached out to grab an apple, a yell was heard and something tackled him from behind. </p>
<p>Evan banged his forehead on the ground and only had a moment to register he was being attacked as he felt fists hit his back. There was lots of yelling, but his hearing grew muffled from the rushing in his ears. Hard fists punched his back and scratched his skin all while he tried hard to get up. He felt hands, strangely small, rip at his hair before grabbing a chunk and slamming his head back into the ground. After twice more of the banging, he was finally able to turn on his side in fetal position as the hands resumed their punching. </p>
<p>The air kept getting thicker and thicker and soon Evan was physically vibrating due to his body wracking with fear and anxiety. He didn’t even notice the teachers busting through the doors and pulling off his attacker. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t hear and he couldn’t see and his body hurt and people are yelling and everyones watching and…</p>
<p>“Evan!” Someone yelled, breaking through the fog. </p>
<p>A gentle hand laid on Evan’s shoulder, causing him to flinch. “Evan, you gotta calm down,” the voice said again. </p>
<p>Evan curled tighter in his ball and shook harder. At this point he could feel himself swaying with dizziness and his face turned red from lack of oxygen. </p>
<p>“Evan, listen to me. Open your eyes.”</p>
<p>Evan debated whether or not to listen to the voice. </p>
<p>“Trust me, Evan open your eyes.”</p>
<p>Finally, Evan did. Jared’s face appeared above him. He looked concerned and frightened but kept up the gentle touch on his shoulder. “Breathe Evan.”</p>
<p>Evan stared at Jared’s steadily blurring face for a few moments before he finally understood what Jared said. He worked hard to get his lungs to open up but he knew he was too worked up. Jared noticed and took Evan’s hand to place on his chest. “Follow my breaths,” Jared requested before taking deep exaggerated breaths. </p>
<p>Despite Evan feeling like he was trying to gulp oxygen through a straw, after a few minutes his breaths slowly became deeper though still a bit fast. “What happened?” He mumbled. </p>
<p>Jared looked conflicted before looking out into the hall where several teachers stood. “Zoe attacked you from behind. I saw the whole thing.”</p>
<p>Evan took a moment to grasp the words before frowning and sighing deeply. He couldn’t even put forth the energy to deal with that just yet. “Can I go home?” He whispered to Jared, eyes now closed. </p>
<p>“I told the teachers to wait out in the hall when you started panicking but they want you to go to the hospital- you’re bleeding,” Jared said. </p>
<p>“Tell em’ mom’s a nurse,” Evan slurred, “I jus wanna go home.”</p>
<p>Jared opened his mouth before closing it with a sigh. “Fine, but ill take you. And I’m gonna call Heidi.”</p>
<p>“She’s home ‘ready,” Evan lied. Jared nodded and left to talk to the teachers. </p>
<p>With Jared gone, Evan sat up slowly, grabbing his head when sharp pains went through it. He knew he really should go to the hospital but he thinks he might go crazy if he had to spend one more hour staring at those white walls. He could vaguely hear Zoe shouting “He’s a liar” down by the principals office, but he tried to block it out his mind. </p>
<p>Evan brushed off his dirty jeans and blood-covered shirt and stood up, immediately swaying. Jared’s arm came out of nowhere to steady him. “I had to lie a bit but they are willing to let you go.” </p>
<p>Evan nodded as Jared helped him to the parking lot. His head was pounding and he had to blink black spots from his vision, but finally he was able to lay down on Jared’s back seat. He could see Jared glancing at him in the rearview mirror but he ignored it as he closed his eyes and tried to erase Zoe’s yells from his mind. The quick glance he got of her as they passed the principal’s office showed her irate with grief and the love he still had for her hoped someone was there to hold her as she cried. </p>
<p>Jared pulled into his parking lot and immediately frowned when there was no other car present. He turned to look at Evan, but he was already half way up the driveway. Jared jumped out and followed after him, barely remembering to lock his car. As soon as Evan stepped into the house, he fell to his knees sobbing. </p>
<p>“I can’t do it anymore, she hates me,” Evan cried. “I don’t know what to do, they’ll never forgive me. I love her!” </p>
<p>“I didn’t know you told them dude,” Jared whispered guiltily. </p>
<p>“I had to, I couldn’t keep lying. I didn’t mean to hurt them, I just wanted…I just wanted…” Evan broke off as he sobbed harder. </p>
<p>Jared solemnly sat next to his friend and placed a comforting hand on his back. He could only imagine how angry the Murphys were when Evan told them. </p>
<p>Jared sat quietly, listening to Evans cries, before his phone started blowing up. Back to back he was getting tons of notifications. Jared frowned, turning on his phone, but he almost dropped it when he read what was trending on Twitter. It was a tweet that had already been shared 100,000 times and was flickering as it gained thousands of more retweets by the second. </p>
<p>Jared’s heart almost stopped at the headline of the tweet- “Evan Hansen is a Fat Liar” by Z_Murphy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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